So, just when I thought things were off my chest...they are back.
I'm just going to type this, no one has to read it, you don't have to comment. idc. I'm doign this just to let go of some things.
Yes, I would love to be 30 pounds lighter, 5 inches taller, and just better looking in general. When that will happen, I don't know. The truth is, yes, to all my livejournal friends that don't know, I've been pretty much...starving myself. I'm sorry, I KNOW it isn't the only way, but it is the only one that seems to work for me. I'm going to be screwed if Ezra reads this, which I think he will....Ez, I'm sorry. :/ I know we had this talk a while ago..I don't know. I really don't know what I'm doing to myself anymore. I want to be tiny. I want to be fragile. I want to be breakable. I've been doing it for longer then you know.
If I have to look in the mirror and see this body one more time I promise you it will turn inside out.
We have to start locking our doors, there is a guy that walks up and down our street every morning and breaks in to people's homes. I guess he has been doing it for a while. He doesn't steal money or ID's or anything, he steals paintings and such. SO......he broke in to our neighbors house this morning, I guess. My dad saw him coming out of their house with a huge black bag and he called the police.
My dad can't find a job and my mom is getting fed up at hers, I overheard them talking about the possibility of moving if nothing comes up in the next few months. My family really is struggling, it isn't horrible, but it is...ek. We are living on my mom's sallary, which isn't a lot, and that is about it. We are in debt, have the baby, and then...there are 2 teenagers in the house. I feel like if I went away things would get better, one more mouth to feed..you know? Right now the only thing that is keeping me from trying to move in with my grandparents or brother in CT is Ez. Ez has made a huge impact on my life and I feel like if I left the state it wouldn't be the same.
People are still calling me at 5 in the morning. WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?! I'm waking up and getting in the shower at 5 in the morning! Come on, please! I really don't need a second wake up call. No, I don't want to hang out on Friday. Please just stop, my parents are getting pissed.
I'm sick of my MySpace profile...again, so I think I might change it up a bit today.
Tonight I finally let loose, I don't care what is going through people's minds about me anymore, it is really time for me to be who I am. I'm going to talk to guidance on Tuesday about making a few changes at school, I'm ready. I shook my booty all night. (: hah, YES! At the party I DJ'd and started moving a bit.....eventually I bursted out in a ballet routine I did at a competition with my old neighbor, Katherine. It was the end of the party and everyone was cleaning, the lights were out, and there was a spotlight in the center of the room. The music drownd out and I just danced, it felt SO good. I really wish that there was a place in my house big enough, with a wood floor, that I could just dance...I actually miss it. I feel like everything that was bothering me just glided off my body and stuck to the floor. I feel like now I know exactly who I am.
My cousin broke her arm, I ended up spraining my foot, and I wanted to punch a bitch (My aunt), but I had a lot of fun. Beth finally relaxed for a minute, but that was short lived.
I got an invitation to Julie's surprise 21st birthday party. Everyone is going to be so drunk that night, but it will be fun...I might DJ that one too! I lost my invitation already, but my mom and dad have one. O.O It is at some snow mobile type club in a town not far from here (lame), but I am sure that it will be AMAZING...as long as Linda and the kids don't show up. WTF is Linda gonna do with a 7 and 5 year old at a 21st birthday party?
Eric is MINE, as of early this morning. I'm hoping this will last, I really love him to death. If any of you don't know who Eric is yet, well, he is one of my bestfriends, he has been in my life since...'05! (: I'm happy with him. He has taught me that who I am is, well, okay. I feel completely comfortable around him.
My mum has been rearranging furniture and such lately, I LOVE IT. I don't know, it didn't feel like home before. Our house is a complete mess and it was never like that...back home in CT. We re-did our bathroom, my dad put a brighter wallpaper up, painted the inside of the cabinet doors on the sink (He is going to paint a flower on each side from the wallpaper ) and we thinned out the ammount of plants, put some gorgeous flowers next to the sink on an old gold tray that was my great grandfathers (He died when I was 8. R.I.P PopPop!), and just made things a lot cleaner. Tomorrow is the living room's turn! We are going to make it more open, hopefully move the computer in to my bedroom, and we want to get some FAKE leather oversized furniture instead of the stow away bed we use now! After the living room is MY room! I'm SO excited!!! I decided on a silvery blue color, like DEADSY BLUE Ez!, and my mom wants to wallpaper one wall some wallpaper she saw at the store (I'll check it out. Haha.), paint all my furniture black, and possibly paint my door magnetic or chalkboard so I can have fun. lol. Our kitchen is pretty awesome when we keep it clean, I'm sick of baby toys though...they need to stay in the babie's room...where they belong. Megan's room really doesn't get a make-over, she still wants that huuuuge bed and well, it takes up most of her room! (She took the laundry room and gave me the biggest room in the house. o.0) Maybe she will....get a plant or something? I feel bad, but she doesn't have room to do anything. :/
My big surgical lamp came from OBGYN?! :O Damn it dad, O___O!
There were plenty of other lamps they were getting rid of that day, but he just had to pick me out the one that examine's my least favorite human body part.
I wonder if there are undiscovered body parts...o.0
Last night I decided I want to be on Scarred if I EVER get hurt to to bad, so I am going to film most everything stupid I do. O.O
We are going down to Connecticut in April. I'm really excited! I miss 2 days of school and stay down there most of my vaca. The plans, well, I am hopefully going to be going back to Middle School! rofl. :] I love y cousin so much, i'm going to shadow her for a day or two and meet all of the mysterious boys and girls she rambbles about for hours. o_0 I can't wait to be dropped off in Putnam, the town i'm from. I am going to walk around and maybe stay with my brother, Justin! I miss my Put-scum so much and OMFG! The comic shop is going to get sick of me!! I'm going to walk around the new stores, get some Thai food, and go see how my old apartment is doing...I wonder how bad the new tenants keep it, when they moved in they were obviously slobs. It is going to be amazing, just being back where I'm from for a while. I won't be on a lot that week, I'm going to be really busy soaking in every ounce of CT I can!
Well, I'm done with my rammbling. I doubt any of you made it this far. :]]