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6/19/09 08:31 am - Free Hurry! Lets Go Music from trueAnthem!

Free Hurry! Lets Go Music from trueAnthem!

4/22/09 11:48 pm - Done.

He's standing alone with his gun in his hand
Wondering why he's the man with the gun in his hand
Brother of mine please don't take this choice
Drop the gun and follow my voice

He's standing alone with the gun in his hand
Why am I the man, why am I the man
Brother of mine take this away I'm sick of this life of pain

He's dead on the floor with his gun in his hand
Why was he the man, why was he the man

This is for real, this time I mean it. I'm done.

3/25/09 09:25 pm - Spring. (:

As the snow melts and things are falling in to place I'm starting to become the happiest I've been in a while. People have walked in and out of my life in the past few months and whether they are still in it or not, they have effected me in more ways than their brains will ever imagine.

Did you know that I went to school and took off the hoodie I wore and kept it in my locker for the entire day? It does not sound so significant, but if you understood the attatchment between me and them maybe you would get it.
Besides the fact that I am constantly cold, my hoodies have covered me up.
They have in some way hidden my body from every set of eyes, including mine.
I am extremely afraid of my body, beleive it or not.
It has a bit to do with self confidence, but the rest only a select few would understand.

I built up the confidence to audition for the Spring Play,
I got a part and it is going to be absolutely amazing to be back on stage.
The cast isn't the best, but it isn't horrible......I'm really excited to start practice and get my script on Monday.

I haven't slept in what seems like days, but I'm not sure anymore.
I've tried everything to try to get to sleep, but all has failed. I have collected about 45 minutes of sleep.
Maybe I am to stressed out, I'm not sure...things have been turning around lately, as I said before.
I am feeling pretty tired so maybe I will actually get some sleep tonight.

I tried to make myself focus on what career path I want to take, but to be completely honest with you I do not know anymore. It is all up in the air. I researched audio engineering for a while and decided that I don't think it is something I want to do with my life. I am gifted musically, but my music isn't great quality and would get me nowhere. Journalism? I'm a good writer when I want to be, but not a great journalist. Fashion? I'll get back to you when I am fashionable for that. All I know is I want to do something involving music, fashion, or graphic design.

German trip! I need to start cutting/dying more hair, making more layouts/banners/flyers, and just saving up. I know that I can pass the exam I need to and have my chance to go. I'm super excited, no one has a clue. This is the only reason I want to stay at my current high school.

I started writing this last night, so here I am...on the second day of this post. :]

Have you ever had a nightmare that makes you never want to fall asleep again?
I finally fell asleep last night and slept through the night,
but I woke up frantic.
Nightmares absolutely fail.
I don't remember much, but watching myself on Vampirefreaks,
clicking on someone's profile and reading something I really did not want to.
Some would call this a simple dream, but in my dream it felt like a thousand knives were stabbing through me...
I woke up and ran to my computer to check, just to see if my dream was real, and stared at the page for what seemed like hours.

I have this constant fear of losing the person closest to my heart,
why? I have way to many insecurities and a major lack of confidence when it comes to relationships....some of it is my fault, but I don't think it is entirely..
It has been pointed out to me, I go threw boys like butter.
I never try to, things just hardly ever work out.
I want this time to be different.
So, I'm trying my hardest to sort things out in my head and be the best I can be.

Timmie pretty much fucked me up and I relaized that last weekend.
His dad was passing through Maine on the way to a buisness trip in Mass. and decided to meet up with my mom and I.
I wasn't told who I'd be meeting, I figured it out when I got there.
My mom has bveen emailing back and forth with him for a while.
I left as soon as he started talking about Timmie....which was within a matter of minutes.
I don't need that kid in my life again, I don't know who he is anymore.
Last I knew he was dead, but his father tells me otherwise.
I'm not putting myself through that again,. Sorry Timmie.

I got an offer to go to another "party" of sorts,
in the woods sorrounding a friend's house.
I declined.
Pot isn't my thing.
The boy that offered is actually a pretty great guy,
he is amazing to have a conversation with, but it isn't to pretty on Sunday mornings when you see him walk in to school still on edge from the high he had the night before.
I'm drug free and it is staying that way, thank you.

The pond has become one of my favorite places to be,
I sit there on the boat launch and watch the sun, the stars, and the moon.
It is absolutely gorgeous, in it's own sort of way.
I can scream on the top of my lungs,
people can hear me, but no one minds.
I think I might take a walk there as soon as I get done posting this.

I almost got asked out this morning before school,
I felt asolutely horrible about how I replied, but I can't lie to her or sugarcoat every word that comes out of my mouth.

"(insert name here) said that you liked me is it true"
"No, sorry."
"oh well do you think youd date me maybe if i asked u"
"No, I am sorry.
1. My heart is currently very much occupied.
2. I'm not much in to girls..
3. If I was way in to girls you wouldn't be my type."
"oh well is that a yes"
"NO! omg. :/ fuck off....please."

It isn't that I wouldn't date a girl, I wouldn't mind it at all,
I don't beleive in gender.....
but the hard part is finding someone who is right for me and I usually find that in men.
No, I don't consider myself bi-sexual...not even gay anymore..
You could call me a genderqueer/pansexual kind of kid wrapped up in a blankie. O.O
Does that make any sense what-so-ever?

I am going to start an online zine type thing.
I'll start with all local bands and eventually get to bigger bands, I hope.
The first issue I am going to feature A Fallen Frequency..
and hopefully Sparks The Rescue.
My "Up and Coming/ New on the Scene" section.
No, I don't have a name..I'm working on it..
but you won't be dissapointed.
Maybe this is how I will combine fashion, music, and my triumphant graphic design skills!

Upcoming Shows/Events;;

5/01/09- Hollywood Undead @ 103 Ultra Lounge (w/ ? <--------anyonewhowantstogoletmeknowimaybeabletogetyouaride.)
4/27/09- All Time Low @ The Station (w/ Ez + Ariel)
5/21/09 + 5/22/09- Much Ado About Nothing @ MVHS (w/ my cast and crew.)

2/17/09 02:29 pm - Paradise

I am in paradise and my eyes have finally been opened to that.
I have walls surrounding me, a roof, doors, locks, keys, blankets, food, materialistic objects that help me get through every day.
Friendships have blossomed more than flowers in the spring and I love each and every one of them.
Ezra. Cameron. Becca. Meghan. Joeyy. Raven. Jessica. Vlad. Aaron. Kai.
I trust very few of them with the secrets I hold back,
but at least I have someone to tell them to.
I am loved and I have the pleasure of knowing how it feels to love.
I even love myself, for opening up and not holding back.
Thomas Jay is the most amazing child I have ever met,
even if he can't speak, walk, or understand
I love that child. He brightens up every day.
People listen to me, all I have to do is speak up
and I'm ready to do so.
This X on my hand signifies a night of love, a night of sound, a night of touch, a night of sunshine, a night of laughs, a night of dreams, a night of me.
I never want it to wash off.
I'm wonderful. I'm beautiful. I'm horrible. I'm loved. I'm dangerous. I'm a monster. I'm a slut. I'm confident. I'm me.
...and know what? I am ok with that.

1/26/09 03:14 pm - Prayers For Billie

Most likely moving back to CT in April if dad doesn't find a job............
I'm excited, but scared.
I hope I turn in to Bobby first.

1/19/09 10:43 am - ...

So, just when I thought things were off my chest...they are back.

I'm just going to type this, no one has to read it, you don't have to comment. idc. I'm doign this just to let go of some things.

Yes, I would love to be 30 pounds lighter, 5 inches taller, and just better looking in general. When that will happen, I don't know. The truth is, yes, to all my livejournal friends that don't know, I've been pretty much...starving myself. I'm sorry, I KNOW it isn't the only way, but it is the only one that seems to work for me. I'm going to be screwed if Ezra reads this, which I think he will....Ez, I'm sorry. :/ I know we had this talk a while ago..I don't know. I really don't know what I'm doing to myself anymore. I want to be tiny. I want to be fragile. I want to be breakable.  I've been doing it for longer then you know.

If I have to look in the mirror and see this body one more time I promise you it will turn inside out.

We have to start locking our doors, there is a guy that walks up and down our street every morning and breaks in to people's homes. I guess he has been doing it for a while. He doesn't steal money or ID's or anything, he steals paintings and such. SO......he broke in to our neighbors house this morning, I guess. My dad saw him coming out of their house with a huge black bag and he called the police.

My dad can't find a job and my mom is getting fed up at hers, I overheard them talking about the possibility of moving if nothing comes up in the next few months. My family really is struggling, it isn't horrible, but it is...ek. We are living on my mom's sallary, which isn't a lot, and that is about it. We are in debt, have the baby, and then...there are 2 teenagers in the house. I feel like if I went away things would get better, one more mouth to feed..you know? Right now the only thing that is keeping me from trying to move in with my grandparents or brother in CT is Ez. Ez has made a huge impact on my life and I feel like if I left the state it wouldn't be the same.

People are still calling me at 5 in the morning. WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?! I'm waking up and getting in the shower at 5 in the morning! Come on, please! I really don't need a second wake up call. No, I don't want to hang out on Friday. Please just stop, my parents are getting pissed.

I'm sick of my MySpace profile...again, so I think I might change it up a bit today.






1/17/09 09:21 pm - I'll Bet You 5 Bucks You Don't Have The Guts...

Tonight I finally let loose, I don't care what is going through people's minds about me anymore, it is really time for me to be who I am. I'm going to talk to guidance on Tuesday about making a few changes at school, I'm ready. I shook my booty all night. (: hah, YES! At the party I DJ'd and started moving a bit.....eventually I bursted out in a ballet routine I did at a competition with my old neighbor, Katherine. It was the end of the party and everyone was cleaning, the lights were out, and there was a spotlight in the center of the room. The music drownd out and I just danced, it felt SO good. I really wish that there was a place in my house big enough, with a wood floor, that I could just dance...I actually miss it. I feel like everything that was bothering me just glided off my body and stuck to the floor. I feel like now I know exactly who I am.

My cousin broke her arm, I ended up spraining my foot, and I wanted to punch a bitch (My aunt), but I had a lot of fun. Beth finally relaxed for a minute, but that was short lived.

I got an invitation to Julie's surprise 21st birthday party. Everyone is going to be so drunk that night, but it will be fun...I might DJ that one too! I lost my invitation already, but my mom and dad have one. O.O It is at some snow mobile type club in a town not far from here (lame), but I am sure that it will be AMAZING...as long as Linda and the kids don't show up. WTF is Linda gonna do with a 7 and 5 year old at a 21st birthday party?

Eric is MINE, as of early this morning. I'm hoping this will last, I really love him to death. If any of you don't know who Eric is yet, well, he is one of my bestfriends, he has been in my life since...'05! (: I'm happy with him. He has taught me that who I am is, well, okay. I feel completely comfortable around him.

My mum has been rearranging furniture and such lately, I LOVE IT. I don't know, it didn't feel like home before. Our house is a complete mess and it was never like that...back home in CT. We re-did our bathroom, my dad put a brighter wallpaper up, painted the inside of the cabinet doors on the sink (He is going to paint a flower on each side from the wallpaper ) and we thinned out the ammount of plants, put some gorgeous flowers next to the sink on an old gold tray that was my great grandfathers (He died when I was 8. R.I.P PopPop!), and just made things a lot cleaner. Tomorrow is the living room's turn! We are going to make it more open, hopefully move the computer in to my bedroom, and we want to get some FAKE leather oversized furniture instead of the stow away bed we use now! After the living room is MY room! I'm SO excited!!! I decided on a silvery blue color, like DEADSY BLUE Ez!, and my mom wants to wallpaper one wall some wallpaper she saw at the store (I'll check it out. Haha.), paint all my furniture black, and possibly paint my door magnetic or chalkboard so I can have fun. lol. Our kitchen is pretty awesome when we keep it clean, I'm sick of baby toys though...they need to stay in the babie's room...where they belong. Megan's room really doesn't get a make-over, she still wants that huuuuge bed and well, it takes up most of her room! (She took the laundry room and gave me the biggest room in the house. o.0) Maybe she will....get a plant or something? I feel bad, but she doesn't have room to do anything. :/

My big surgical lamp came from OBGYN?! :O Damn it dad, O___O!
There were plenty of other lamps they were getting rid of that day, but he just had to pick me out the one that examine's my least favorite human body part.

I wonder if there are undiscovered body parts...o.0

Last night I decided I want to be on Scarred if I EVER get hurt to to bad, so I am going to film most everything stupid I do. O.O

We are going down to Connecticut in April. I'm really excited! I miss 2 days of school and stay down there most of my vaca. The plans, well, I am hopefully going to be going back to Middle School! rofl. :] I love y cousin so much, i'm going to shadow her for a day or two and meet all of the mysterious boys and girls she rambbles about for hours. o_0 I can't wait to be dropped off in Putnam, the town i'm from. I am going to walk around and maybe stay with my brother, Justin! I miss my Put-scum so much and OMFG! The comic shop is going to get sick of me!! I'm going to walk around the new stores, get some Thai food, and go see how my old apartment is doing...I wonder how bad the new tenants keep it, when they moved in they were obviously slobs. It is going to be amazing, just being back where I'm from for a while. I won't be on a lot that week, I'm going to be really busy soaking in every ounce of CT I can!

Well, I'm done with my rammbling. I doubt any of you made it this far. :]]











1/11/09 01:21 am - Brave friend horizon, lead me back to port

So I had an interesting day.

I woke up a lot later then I had planned,
took a shower, and headed out the door.

I went to Ezra's house while my parents went to my mom's work to clean and get caught up on orders,
but first I had to stop and get Gummy Bears and Jolly Ranchers! Yumm.
I ran in to Ez's mom while I was in the store,
she gave me a message for Ez and told me she would see us both very soon.

When I got to Ezra's house Sam and his band, I beleive, were practicing in the basement, but they went upstairs so we could watch movies.
V For Vandetta is a pretty amazing movie, but we found a few really weird things about it.
Oh well, at least I know now that I want an office with a shower with 10 TVs, but I'll skip on the medicine cabinet, that thing was crazy.
May I mention me and Ezra's new want of performing orchestrated bombing?
We were about a half hour in to Bleach (Memories Of Nobody) when my parents got there, so Ez borrowed the movie until next weekend.
All in all I had a pretty good time, for my best friend being pretty crippled and all
I'm really glad I went.

When I got home I bitched out Havik, what a surprise!
I knew it was coming and I feel amazing for doing it.
She needs to get her head together and think for a second.
I'm gay. I like boys. I'm not that in to huge make-up and bras.
I don't like signs on girls boobies and I really don't want to see them!

Well, I'm off to finish my MySpace now and watch The Ring!

Get better soon Ez! I love you!

12/25/08 10:31 pm - Oh, really?

I'm not a toy that you can wind up and expect to move how you want.
I have feelings, I have a heart, and I have a brain.
I know what your trying to do and I am sorry, but I will not be your dancer, baby.
You gave me this,
now watch it end me.

12/15/08 09:15 pm - Stuck forever? I'm breaking free.

The weekend was quite uneventful. (:
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